Chloe Madanes has done a lot of work around the six human needs. These four are necessary for survival: Love and connection, certainty, variety, and significance. The last two: growth and contribution are considered spiritual needs for lasting fulfillment and satisfaction.

Every day, callers on the warmline talk about how they wish someone would do something for them. They speak of the disappointments they have from what other people in their lives did to them, are doing to them, or what they are not doing that they think they should be. They want the other person to change to meet their needs. We cannot change the past, and we cannot control others. We are responsible for meeting our own needs. Others can support us in that, inspire us, encourage us, but as adults we cannot expect others to meet our needs. This can be a difficult concept to understand for many reasons.

Learning how to meet these needs for oneself can initially seem extremely awkward-foreign even. There is a free, online six human needs quiz by Madanes that ranks the importance of these needs in one’s life at any given time. It offers clues about where one can start by giving to themselves something they have wished others would have. It is fun to explore how certain things can meet more than one need at a time. As an example: Madanes says the need for contribution provides us with variety, gives us significance and provides a sense of connection (3 more needs met!).

If you are reading this, you have survived and have met the first four needs! The question is: HOW are you meeting them? Is it healthy and sustainable? Or are there ways you are meeting your needs that are hurting yourself and others? Let us look at meeting the need for variety as an example. Some healthy options are: learn about something new, change your hairstyle, try new foods, discover a hobby. Some unhealthy options are changing relationships like changing into a different pair of shoes or taking unnecessary risks just for the rush of adrenaline.

There is truly so much empowerment involved in learning to meet one’s own needs, and critical to that is meeting them in healthy and sustainable ways. Part of that is learning to seek support along the way; a trusted source to brainstorm and collaborate with. If you do not feel you have anyone to do that with, maybe start with a call to a peer warmline for support and discuss other resources as well. In the beginning, it may feel hard to learn to give to yourself what you wish others would, but the reward of learning how to do it will be a gift you give yourself for the rest of your life!

Cheri Thomas

Cheri works as a Peer Support Specialist for RI in Arizona. She has experienced loss and grief which has led her to write for the masses to bring voice to those in similar situations. Cheri possesses a deep passion to share with, encourage, and inspire others on what she calls the Journey of the Heart.