"Attention is the most basic form of love." -John Tarrant
Does anyone wish to see more love in the world? Let’s start by looking at some synonyms for attention: regard, heed, notice, concentrate on. Simply by offering our attention to another, we can bring more love into our world—and how cool is that!
John M. Gottman, PhD wrote a book called, The Relationship Cure. It has a wealth of information in it. He studied relationships for decades. He uses the word “bid” which he defines as a “fundamental unit of emotional connection.” There are three types of bids simplified here:
- Turning toward (responding w/appropriateness leading to growth and development)
- Turning away (disregarding or preoccupied responses, ignoring)
- Turning against (contemptuous, domineering, belligerent, critical responses)
His research found that most relationships ended due to lack of attention-turning away. Being ignored, dismissed or receiving preoccupied responses etc. were the most destructive for any relationship. We are moving so fast as a society and rarely take time to slow down, which can lead to others feeling turned away from.
We all want and need this basic form of love – attention. There’s many ways to give attention to (turn toward) someone that do not take a lot of time. Here’s a few:
- Light conversation or small talk
- Offering a place to sit, or a drink of water
- Problem-solving
- Handshaking, or pat on the back
- Giving good eye contact
- Offering some support
- Smiling
- Connection around a heartfelt subject
- Laughing
Attention (regard, focus, notice) can be given to another in unlimited ways, and in seconds or hours depending. It’s a wonderful gift to give another. It can create a new relationship or save one. Next time you are attentive towards someone, remember you are bringing more love into the world, and that’s a gift that keeps on giving forever!
Cheri Thomas
Cheri works as a Peer Support Specialist at Recovery Innovations. She writes as an expression of her heart in hopes of connecting to others’ hearts, so that no one feels alone on this journey-and instead feels valued, seen, and heard while growing in empowerment.