I thought I was a clever kid. Every wishing opportunity I came across ​I would wish for the same thing. For years and years, every dandelion, every penny tossed into a fountain, every time I held my breath under the Deck Park Tunnel, I would simply wish to be happy.

I may have been a clever kid, happiness is better than brand name clothes or video games, but I wasn’t wise.

My many wishes for happiness had a negative impact. My choices were often based on what was pleasurable and easy now. I stayed up late, I got out of chores, I wasn’t active, I ate too much, and then when I was an adult I drank too much.

Glennon Doyle, in her book Untamed, often refers to “the truest, most beautiful life.” An ideal that she builds and breaks over and over. Her wish is now my wish. I wish for an honest and examined life. Now I care about my sleep, I do laundry and take the trash out, I go for walks, I eat vegetables (sometimes), and I’ve been sober for over 4 years. I have more happiness than ever because that’s not my goal. My goals are things like presence, growth, and love. Especially love for myself.​

Life isn’t easy, and it’s not always happy, but it can be good.

Rin Koenig
Rin is a mental health employee and consumer. Rin is a web developer for RI International and works on a few mental health websites including Hope Inc. Stories.