At some point or another grief has touched us all. Today’s recovery talk is how I’ve experienced grief from a “body knowing.” It’s best to read out loud and written more in the form of a poem.

I have tried to describe with words how the deepest of grief feels. I write and cross it out. I try some more and just scratch it out. It IS indescribable with words alone, but my BODY KNOWS how it feels.

I didn’t think I would survive, and I didn’t know if I wanted to. The pain in my heart felt deadly!

Sometimes it starts with a wail… only those who have also wailed understand. Sometimes it starts as a primordial scream.

Either way, one ends up on the floor, crumpled. curled. body jerking with mouth wide open – but now there are NO sounds. Moments of NO breath. just the jerking of the body with the mouth wide open-gasping for breath or sound, but neither exist. snot runs down from the nostrils into the mouth that eventually comes out as drool that blends into the tears.

Occasionally a breath does come – – just enough – – for the mouth wide open body jerking snot flowing saliva drooling to continue. Another— gasp for air, and it starts All. Over. Again.

Eventually, my body exhausts itself. Now I have the wherewithal to wipe the snot on my sleeve. The jerking de-escalates. I breathe more often. My head is pounding, but my mind – Finally. Quiets. The tears begin to dry up. The breathing is a little more regulated. My face is just one big, blended puffball. My body uncurls and I lay flat on the floor. The pain relaxes in rhythm with the beating of my broken heart.

My body DID KNOW! By surrendering INTO the pain, and being WITH it –– healing was emerging ––
one. authentic. release after another.

Cheri Thomas

Cheri works as a Peer Support Specialist for RI in Arizona. She has experienced loss and grief which has led her to write for the masses to bring voice to those in similar situations. Cheri possesses a deep passion to share with, encourage, and inspire others on what she calls the Journey of the Heart.